Published: August 12, 2009 01:30 am      

GESENHUES: Charm School

It’s here; my daughter starts kindergarten this week. By all accounts, it’s the biggest milestone she’s had since she took her first step; or, maybe even sleeping in her own bed every night. Either way, it’s a huge event ... for her and her parents.

Our week has been filled with celebratory errands. We shopped for school supplies, got a big-girl hair-cut, and soon we’ll be getting new school shoes and jeans. Now if only I can find the best place to pick up a strong and steadfast supply of self esteem and courage.

It’s no secret that a girl’s emotional well being suffers a bit as she faces the cultural challenges of growing up. Studies have shown that as girls mature they learn to suppress their opinions, their passions, their excitement, and their anger. There is a great line in the book “The Virgin Suicides” by Jeffrey Eugenides spoken by the 13-year-old character, Cecilia, who had tried to commit suicide. When her doctor asks, “What are you doing here? You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets,” Cecilia tells him, “Obviously, doctor, you’ve never been a thirteen-year-old girl.”

I’m not dismissing the struggles that boys endure; but I have a girl about to jump, so my guards are up to keep her true nature in tact and in full swing for wherever she lands.

To balance the inherent quieting that happens as a young girl evolves into adulthood, I will host my own one-on-one, mother-to-daughter, charm school. My goal will not be to teach my daughter outward charms like how to hold a spoon or curtsy in front of royalty. Instead, she will learn her own inner charms and appreciate all she has to offer. I will do my best to reinforce her individuality and support her unique tastes.

It’s a fine line. How do you tolerate a strong opinioned 5-old girl? Determining when to shush her and when to agree with her can be sketchy territory. I’ll try my best to lead by example. We’ll say “please” and “thank you” and “yes ma’am” and “no sir,” but we’ll also practice “I think” and “I disagree” and “I know” and, “No!”

In grade school, I want her to be her own person and not do just because everybody else is doing. In junior high, I want her to be her own female and not do because a boy thinks she should. And, in high school, I want all that we’ve learned in our home-school charm school to come to full fruition. She will study what interests her, she will excel in language and math courses beyond gender statistics. She will play sports; and, if she is good, receive the same scholarships as her fellow male athletes.

Is that asking so much?

Surely, a girl can grow up and do what she wants and be whoever she wants to be, right? We are in the new millennia; gender inequality will be a chapter in my daughter’s high school history book, won’t it? She’ll work alongside her male counterparts earning dollar-per-dollar ... or will she?

Across the board, females still are earning only 80 percent of the salaries earned by their male equals. Speaking of boards, only 15.2 percent of the top 500 board seats are held by women. Out of the top 500 companies only 15 have female CEOs (all of these stats are from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics).

Yes, these statistics are only numbers. And yes, women opt out of certain career directions to accommodate for a more fully-balanced life-working careers that work with family. But, the numbers are still real. There is a very deep divide in what men and women are achieving on a public level and in a corporate setting.

My charm school will work to give my daughter a fighting chance. She will have a voice and the courage to use it. She will understand that the best pay raise comes with negotiating a higher salary at the start of your career. She will learn to be ask and not be scared of the answer (the worst they can say is no, right?). She will not believe that she has to compromise her schedule or her wages just because she may be a mother and an employee. You can be both.

I’m looking forward to see how this charm school thing goes. If it’s successful, mother, daughter, father and son will learn more about how to be their most happy, authentic selves at work and at home.