Published: June 28, 2009 01:20 am      

CUMMINS: We need a heating and cooling expert

They say our globe is warming. But Sen. James Imhoff, of Oklahoma, said global warming was “the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people.” Unfortunately, a considerable number of senators throughout our nation’s history have been the greatest hoaxes perpetrated on the American people. How do some of those guys ever win an election?

Back in the old days, we didn’t know much about physics, but we knew what effect the sun had on ice. Before having a refrigerator and ice cubes, the iceman delivered a 50-pound chunk of ice each week. If left out in the sun, it soon disappeared.

Put it in the icebox, a thick wood and metal chest tightly sealed, and it would last a week. Containers of butter and milk were stacked around the ice, and at dinnertime, a small chunk was chipped off with an ice pick and plunked into a refreshing glass of lemonade.

Have you seen a photo of the North Pole recently? The big white spot up there is getting smaller and causing polar bears to sit around fanning themselves. Should we be concerned? Yes, unless we don’t mind taking a gondola down Fifth Avenue instead of a taxi.

Go back to what Noah had to do when people turned wicked. Imagine rounding up pairs of dinosaurs and squeezing them in an ark. Human life began on earth with Adam and Eve. A few years later, the human population was reduced to Noah and his family.

Do we want to start all over again with a chosen two? Imagine Barack Obama and Sarah Palin measuring cubits and building another ark.

Global warming raises two questions: What’s the cause of warming and how can we cool it? There are three theories regarding the cause — take your pick, blame God, nature or man. Actually, there is a fourth theory — cars.

If God is turning the heat on, then we need to repent and walk a straight line, which will save gas. If it’s caused by natural weather cycles — periodic warming and cooling — we need to adjust. But if humans are emitting excessive fumes, then we need to erect more windmills and get more miles out of tank.

When the oil crisis hit back in the late ’70s, I bought a Volkswagen diesel, which averaged 43 mpg. Why didn’t I buy another? Why didn’t you?

There are more than a billion cars on earth and about 4 million are stuck in a traffic jam with the air conditioning running. And how much fuel does it take to load a barge with “Made in China” goods, and then shipped to California and loaded on semis, which spew black smoke transporting the junk all the way to New York?

But wouldn’t there be severe problems in the Middle East if we didn’t buy their oil, which burns more oil being shipped here, which we burn faster than you can flick a Bic?

Green-lovers — who’ve gone berserk over greenhouse gas — think we should “cap and trade.” Cap and trade is a proposed government policy whereby industries could buy permits — a form of tax — to pollute the air. Factories not fouling the air could sell their permits to those that do.

If you understand how we put man on the moon, then you’ll understand cap and trade. But heavily polluting industries are adamantly opposed — the almighty dollar, you know.

Thank God for geo-engineers who are working on a planet cooling system. Doesn’t it make sense to seek shade when the sun is boring a cancerous hole through you? It’s simply a matter of reflecting sunrays back up to where they originated.

Crack scientists propose sending a system of mirrors up in space to reflect sunrays and reduce the carbon overload. I’m not making any of this up.

Others propose using planes or big balloons once a year to spread 10 megatons of sulfur dioxide in the atmosphere, which would form a haze to reflect the heat. The problem is we’re functioning in a haze already.

Another scientific possibility is to have ships pump seawater up into the lower atmosphere, which would form clouds and provide more cover. But wouldn’t a perpetual cloud cover increase depression requiring more therapists?

Would it be practical to ask China to manufacture 6 billion umbrellas and mandate that each person on our planet raise one if and when the sun shines? And why is conservation avoided like the plague?

Stay cool and e-mail tlctlc@aol.com.