Published: July 02, 2008 06:49 pm            

OLSON: If life hands you a lemon

A wise optimist once said that,“If life hands you a lemon, squeeze it and open a lemonade stand.” I think everyone would agree that America has been handed a giant lemon recently via the astronomical price of gas. How to squeeze this big mamma and turn it into lemonade is actually easier than would first seem, and can be accomplished in three easy steps, all designed to put enough money back into your pocket to offset the obscene gas prices.

First Step: Give up your most harmful habit. Why does smoking come immediately to mind? Probably because it kills about half a million people a year. What are the obnoxious little cancer sticks up to now — around four bucks a pack? If you’ve ever needed a good reason to give up this toxic habit, now’s the time. If you’re a pack-a-day smoker, kicking the butts will keep 28 dollars a week from exiting your wallet, which is more than enough to balance your gas budget, not to mention the obvious health benefits. So, squeeze the lemon, hard.

Ditto with buying lottery tickets. The average person has a better chance of getting struck by lightning or eaten by a shark (or a giant Ohio River catfish) than he does of winning big in the lottery, or any other form of gambling, so why not admit you’ve been suckered in the past, repeat three times: “Las Vegas was not built by winners,” and then tear up your ticket stubs for the last time. Wean yourself from a habit that is not always harmless and is at times downright destructive. Buying 20 bucks worth of lotto tickets a week? Put the saved money into your gas tank instead, and quit crying the gas-guzzling blues. If gas ever goes back to two bucks a gallon, feel free to resume your lottery tickets — or not.

Lastly, give up buffets and carbonated soft drinks. You’ll almost immediately feel better, not to mention eventually getting to see what your feet look like again. Sodas are many things — fizzy, crammed full of sugar and empty calories, unhealthy and fat-inducing — but they can not be classed as food.

And buffets? Well, buffets are dens of desire, aromatic pleasure pits where self-control, moderation and temperance are left crying outside the door like unwanted stepchildren, places where food sinners go to sin some more.

Resist, I say, and reap the rewards of a slimmer waistline and arteries that actually carry blood instead of fat globules. Pack healthful, low-fat lunches and watch your money reserves get larger as your scale readings get smaller, then put the savings into your gas tank. Shoot, you may get so caught up in your new lifestyle you end up selling the car and buying a bike.

Can you implement all four of the suggestions? You’ve probably saved yourself $40 a week. Don’t presently smoke or gamble? Lucky you; you just have buffets and sodas to dump, which will still save you enough to help considerably at the pump, or get creative and hard on yourself to produce similar results. Drink too much? Drink way less or not at all. Have a Playboy subscription? Cancel it. Going to the track and blowing dough twice a week? Give up the ponies and get to know your family again. What say we all start squeezing together, right now, and build us a world-class lemonade stand?



Doug Olson is a former teacher and currently an antiques dealer in the Sellersburg area. He can be reached via e-mail at dgolsonwriteon@yahoo.com.

        

• Click to discuss this story with other readers on our forums.