Published: April 29, 2007 10:47 am      

DODD: Cleaning up his act; Is toilet paper really the right place to conserve?

I am not a certifiable tree hugger, but I do fancy myself a person who believes strongly in protecting the wonderful gift that God gave to us all which is the natural beauty of our country.

I have been reading a lot of literature lately and listening to much debate from both sides regarding global warming. Without getting too much into a lecture mode, I will simply say that my choice is to error on the side of safety on this one. If we totally screw up the planet’s gift of life to us, there will be no do-overs.

OK, that being said, I never cease to be amazed by celebrities who have the best of intentions, but do or say really outrageous things. I am referring to people for whom I have a great deal of respect until they open their mouth and leave my own mouth hanging wide open! Some ideas and suggestions are just plain old weird, and stupid.

I will simply use the quote I read by Sheryl Crow regarding protecting the oxygen we breathe in the context of the global warming debate.

“I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in one sitting.” She later goes on to say, “..I think we are industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.”

I remember how obtrusive we thought the government could be when they were passing laws regarding what goes on in our bedrooms.

I was not sure where to even start on this one. I suppose I will come off sounding like Rush Limbaugh if I am not careful. First of all, a suggestion of one sheet of toilet paper per visit could absolutely only come from the mouth of a female. Sheryl is entering a male domain where no well meaning woman should go! Men are certainly not going to just roll over on this one.

Secondly, it is obvious Sheryl Crow and Lindon Dodd do not share the same diet if she can get by on one sheet. I use one sheet just to get a good grip on the roll to select my portion. One sheet of Bounty paper towel might be possible on a good day.

I do think there might be some merit in toilet paper conservation ideas. I think taxing toilet paper usage would be the most perfect and fair universal tax for all Americans. If it’s true that every man puts his pants on one leg at a time, well, perhaps nothing is as universal as the need for toilet paper when he pulls them down. The new taxable roll would need to be three-ply; one ply as a receipt for the state, one to be kept for a federal tax receipt in case of an audit, and one ply for, well, the necessary paperwork to consummate the taxable transaction.

Of course, the wealthy will always find a way to avoid any tax. Any rich person worth their, well net worth, is surely to install one of those fancy French backside cleaning shower bedets. As usual the rich guys will getaway Scott free and it will be the poor working man who will end up being taxed out the wazoo!

Sure, there would have to be some loopholes in the toilet tissue tax plan. There would have to be some exemptions for such things as; an outbreak of the seasonal intestinal virus, bouts of diarrhea, the day after Super Bowl parties, etc.

Once the Toilet Tissue Act is passed, (no pun intended) we should begin to see a noticeable decrease in toilet paper consumption worldwide. We can surely get a handle on the problem. The hardest part of getting Washington politicians to support the tax will be that this is an election year. As we all know, during election cycles when it comes to raising new taxes, politicians prefer to keep a lid on it. This is one of those taxes that if passed could surely come back around to bite them in the, you know!

So there you have it. You can agree with pop singer Crow to ration your toilet paper to the tune of one sheet per sitting. Or you can agree to my tax (which I am sure slick speaking politicians will not call a tax, but rather refer to it as a user’s fee). Either way, I do agree with Sheryl that we must do something to protect the air that we breathe. And what better place is there to begin to clear the air!

Lindon Didd is an Otisco resident and can be reached at Lindondodd@hotmail.com. His column appears on Sunday.