Published: September 05, 2008 08:40 pm            

CUMMINS: How to put romance back in your life

Is your life beginning to drag? Are you losing that inner cannonball-like force that can move a mountain? In a nutshell or a nut case, has the romance gone out of your life like when your teeth go bad?

Romance is difficult to define, but we know it when we have it and know it when we don’t. It does affect the brain and all other organs below the scalp causing a jumpy feeling in the heart and jittery condition in the mind. Romance takes early root in the male when fuzz begins growing on his face, which coincides with the female urge to shave her armpits. A pair is then likely to be overcome with a baffling and disturbing condition causing periodic breathlessness and a mild form of temporary insanity.

Romance just isn’t candlelight, roses and chocolate-covered cherries. No, it’s what happens when the clouds part; it’s what happens if the clouds don’t part. It’s an approach to life where all elements combine to keep the heart tempered like a summer breeze drifting through a bright flowery meadow. It’s beautiful, sensual and delightful. It’s thinking about the one you love when taking a solitary walk in the woods, or while absorbing a cleansing mist from the sea.

But why should the young reap all the benefits? And why should Hollywood and politicians (before getting caught) have all the fun? It’s time we older folks re-kindle the fire and get silly again. Remember the days when a compulsory desire in life was simply to stroke soft, milky skin? Wrinkled creases can provide a similar eroticism despite the lumps.

If searching romance therapy literature, you will discover romance experts are making great strides in modernizing romantic behavioral change. So I boldly shouted to my mate, “Come to the bathroom.” She was absorbed in a Sudoku puzzle but jumped, apparently thinking I’d had an attack. Calming her, I explained I merely wanted to look into her soul. One expert advised a couple stand together in front of a mirror, which increases light 30 percent, and probe deeper into each other’s eyes. She didn’t get it, because about when I had penetrated a depth never before uncovered, she grabbed at her toothbrush. If I were a romance therapist, I’d suggest couples brush each other’s teeth, which can lead to other forms of intimacy such as exchanging back scrubs. Scrubbing a floor for a partner does not qualify.

Trying another tactic, I moved closely to her at the kitchen sink and said, “Let’s stand back to back.” In this passion exercise the couple lock hands and feel the partner from a new perspective, which is backwards. While locked together in this embrace, you’re supposed to experience and talk about new sensations and emotions. She’s been having a rotator-cuff problem, and her right arm locked up. If applying an ice pack causes a new sensation, then we had it.

Couldn’t see much progress, but no harm trying one more romance-improvement technique. “Alien lover” encompasses pretending your partner is from another planet and doesn’t understand anything about life or love on Earth. I’ve had a few of those. You then teach her/him how romance leads to exhilaration and, if not cautious, children.

The teacher cannot speak but only use gestures. I sat her down in a comfortable chair explaining she was a guest from Neptune. But her mind began wandering when I tried pantomiming Valentine’s Day, a national holiday suffused with love. I drew a heart with my finger and then tried blowing a kiss without spraying moisture. Neither worked so I pretended pouring a glass of wine in the cup of my hand, and then purposefully spilled it on her pants. When I began sopping it up, she got that excitable look.

There’s a big risk relying on the experts. If your dog has an issue, call a canine resource center. If it’s money, get advice from another credit card company or ask the government for a subsidy. But when it comes to love and romance, you’re on you own. The risk in trying to put romance back into a life over the hill is that your mate might try another type of therapy and place you in an analysis center.

Being an eternal optimist is compatible and supportive of being an eternal romanticist and both increase longevity.

Terry Cummins is an eternal optimist. Contact him at TLCTLC@AOL.com

        

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