Published: October 12, 2008 01:33 am            

CUMMINS: Sarah Palin’s approach to diplomacy

What is it exactly that a vice president does all day? That’s what Sarah Palin wanted to know after John McCain flew her to Arizona to explore her asset, and the oddest couple you could ever imagine bonded. It took less than two hours for Sarah’s charm to convince John she was ready for anything including being president of the United States. Darn it, Sarah Palin might become our vice president, and doggonit, if John wore out she’d be the president.

The most important decision a presidential candidate makes is selecting a vice presidential candidate. As specified in the constitution, vice president job specs spell out only two responsibilities—break any tie votes in the Senate and wait around for the president to die. So what does a vice president do all day? Give Sarah credit for asking such an astute question, because we don’t really know. Take Dick Chaney, if you can find him. They’ve tried keeping him undercover, because most every time he opens his mouth, it causes trouble. And we know he’s not a straight shooter, because he once aimed at a bird but shot a man in the face.

Sarah can’t be expected to know everything going on down in the lower 48. She’s been so busy up in Alaska dealing with global warming and its effect on polar bears while maintaining that burning fossils fuels doesn’t cause slush. Sarah is such a hot topic undoubtedly she’s generating some of the heat.

When John announced Sarah as his running mate, people asked, “Sarah who?” Alaska is usually associated with igloos, whale blubber and pipelines interfering with caribou. Few had any idea Sarah Palin was the governor, or Alaska even had a governor. But when seeing a photo of her field dressing a moose, Americans realized John’s was on to something, but not sure what.

Who is this Sarah Palin? The media packed up their snowshoes, flew north and discovered Sarah was misplaced and belonged in Hollywood. Her life’s been like another Alice in Wonderland, and she makes Hillary’s look boring.

She was known as Sarah Barracuda as a high school athlete. When becoming mayor of Wasilla, she cleaned house like a hungry barracuda devours a sardine school. In her Guns and God campaign for governor, she replaced decadence with core family values by advocating the teaching of creationism, banning offensive library books and shooting wolves from airplanes like we throw Frisbees at church picnics. Sling a double-barrel shotgun over the shoulder of a young, attractive lady governor, and it projects a powerful image. If Sarah goes to Washington, you betcha she’ll be carrying some heat.

Explaining her pipeline connection to God, she told a high school group that the war in Iraq was God’s plan as was the gas pipeline she was trying to build. Shortly before becoming governor, Pentecostal minister Thomas Multhes laid hands on her and asked Jesus to rebuke “every form of witchcraft.” Most of our government officials don’t practice witchcraft, although some strange voodoo spirit seems to posses them at times.

What worries me is that VP Sarah would be very unhappy in Washington while waiting around for some action. Move a large Alaskan family inside the Beltway and they’ll go stir crazy. What’s her North Slope oil-rigger, commercial-fisherman, super stud husband, Todd, going to do everyday, fish the Potomac with Secret Service agents baiting his hook? And security won’t allow snowmobiles racing down Pennsylvania Avenue.

The McCain handlers have Sarah out on the hot, slimy campaign trail and told her to say things like, “Obama pals around with terrorists.” They also had her meet with Henry Kissinger and heads of fanatic states whose names you can’t pronounce, spell or remember. She met with President Asif Ali Zardari of Pakistan recently and he reported she was so “gorgeous” he wanted to hug her.

Our country could use a different diplomatic approach. Maybe if John wins and sends Sarah to all his summits, she could sway some of the tyrants.

Dressed in a conservative but form-fitting dress as lose strings of her hair slide provocatively down over her sexy, oblong eye glasses, she smiles broadly and winks one eye and then the other.

“Hey there, Baba. You can call me Sarah, because I’m here to promote relations. Tell you what, darn it, you can hug me if demolishing your nukes.”



>i?Contact Terry Cummins at TLCTLC@AOL.com or Sarah Palin at iglou.com.

        

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