Published: April 20, 2008 01:14 am      

HUTSELL: Unveiling America’s newest sport

I’m supposed to fill this column space with something witty and perhaps even fun. I could drone on and on for the next 15 inches of newsprint about how “Rock of Love” is somehow a sport, but I’ll leave that to Mr. Matthew Cress.

No, today I’m going to share with you something dark and a little bit painful about life.

I, Mike Hutsell, am attempting to lose weight.

No, that sharp rumbling feeling you just felt underneath was not yet another aftershock from Friday mornings bizarre earthquake, it was the roar of laughter for the dozens (OK, dozen) people who religiously read this column on Sunday.

Thanks to an inter-office contest called “The Biggest Loser” (I confess BTW that I only signed up for the contest thinking I was a shoe-in to win anything in which the words “Big” and “Loser” appeared) this large mammal has set out on an undying quest to be one of those people that can call themselves “in shape.”

(I’m sorry I need a minute of self-reflection to look in the mirror and think about my life. There’s a flashback of the free-spirited slacker who was on a first-name basis with the Hardee’s drive-through guy in college set to the tune of Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” running through my head right now.)

We live in a world where we show televised poker and hot dog eating on the biggest sports network on the planet. So I’m here to propose today why weight loss qualifies as every bit as much a sport as the ones you see on the Versus Network or ESPNews.

• It takes determination to achieve in the face of adversity.

Within the first 72 hours of my quest to shed a solid 20 pounds, the fine folks of Jeffersonville thought so kindly to open a restaurant called “Taco Bueno” just a short drive from my office.

Every time I drive by, a tear enters my eye, I profess my love for tofu and it’s taken everything short of a large man with a taser standing outside the door to keep me from moving inside that building too.

Oh and if you want to argue that skill level must be involved, then I’ve got a point to make.

Have you ever eaten a hamburger made out of vegetables? Managing to finish one of those and keep it down requires more skill than hitting a baseball.

I know there’s folks who will argue that eating a bowl of Cocoa-Puffs in gravy every morning was a habit that I should have kicked years ago. Therefore, they will all be naysayers about my quest to have weight loss universally accepted

But this isn’t just about me.

If this petition to make weight control a sport comes true, I’ve already got the first inductee into the inaugural Hall of Fame class in mind.

You should see my girlfriend at the grocery store calculating calories. She can get through 16 aisles in less than a minute and manage to avoid any product that contains the words “all-meat” or “sugary-sweet.”

She’s my queen of all things whole wheat. She’s impressive. Like Secretariat in the Belmont impressive.

If NBA players tried half as hard as she has in helping her boyfriend win this measly $100 contest, then there may be more than eight people out there who realize the league’s playoffs kicked off this weekend.

So there’s my argument.

Determination, skill, a sure-fire first-ballot Hall of Fame candidate.

It’s time we woke up and made weight watching an American pastime.

Contact Mike Hutsell at mike.hutsell@newsandtribune.com.